My Fat Lil' Angel

Wow! That was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The only thing harder was watching my Granny die.

I've been wanting to write...but I just haven't been able to. Thinking about it has been to hard. But I think I'm ready now.

My last night with her was hard. I wanted to hold her...but it hurt her to much. And watching her try to breath was horrible. As the night went on...I started to wish I had brought her to be put to sleep that evening. I couldn't bare to see her suffer like that. All I could do was lie next to her and pet her and talk to her. At one point I had her relaxed enough for her to purr for about 40 minutes. That was a beautiful sound. So I just layed there with her all night and counted the hours till it would be over.

The next morning I woke up and got myself ready. I went ahead and got directions to the crematorium. Wrote out all the checks because I knew I would be to upset to do it later. And while I waited for the vets office to open, I sat down and had a long talk with her. I explained to her that she was going to be going to the vet so that he could give her one last shot to feel better. But this time she would not be coming home with me. She was going to a place where she would ba happy and feel good again. I also told her that I had been lying to her for years. I always told her that I was the only one in the whole world that loved her. But I was lying...everyone who met her loved her. And I told her how much I was going to miss her. After I cried for a while, I went ahead and took a few pictures of her, since she was still looking good.

Finally, I got me and her together and headed out the door. When we walked outside her eyes lit up. She was looking around at everything. And then I got an idea. I figured that since this was her last day...I should let her do something that she has never got to do before. So I put her down on the ground. She looked so amazed at the grass, the trees, the birds. I don't think she was too fond of the cold grass on her toes though! It was such a beautiful day outside. It was the first beautiful day of fall. She didn't have alot of energy, so she just layed in the sun and looked around. Of course I had to run and get the camera. This was something I wanted to remember forever. After a while, she mustered up the energy to explore the yard. She was having a hard time walking and she would fall everynow and then, but she was determined to explore. She was so beautiful in the sunlight. And she looked so happy.

After a while I decided it was time to go. So,I scooped her up and we got in the car. I didn't want her to be upset about riding in the cat carrier...so I had brought her bed, blanket and pillow and put it in the passenger seat for her to sit on. I put her in, and she got herself all cozy and just looked up at me like...ok, lets go! So we did!

I had never intended on taking any more pictures of her after her little exploration. But I still had my camera with me and we were sitting at a redlight...and the sun was shining on her and she looked so beautiful. She was just sitting there like a little princess...looking at me with those big blue eyes. I couldn't resist...so I took a few more.

My mom met us at the vets office. I carried Miss Puddy in all wrapped up in a towel. While we waited to see the vet, she just sat in my lap looking at all the other animals, while I cried and petted her.

I wasn't sure if I wanted her to go through the discomfort of an examination before she died. But I went ahead and let the doctor check her over. He agreed that to give her another shot of medicine would just prolong the inevitable. And it was up to me. I had to decide if her quality of life was still good enough to let her go on...or was she suffering to much. I couldn't watch her go on like that. I signed the paper and held her for a few more minutes. When I was ready I just nodded my head. He took her from me and put her on the table. He explained what was going to happen to her. They were going to find one of her veins to inject the stuff into. And as he injected it she would start to go limp...slip into a coma...and then stop breathing. No matter how much I had envisioned it before...I don't think I was ready for what I saw.

As he stuck the needle into her skin and I saw her blood back up into the syringe...I knew that was the point of no return. I watched her face as he slowly started to push the pink fluid into her vein. Within seconds, her body started to go limp. She slowly melted onto the table. I could see the life just slipping right out of her. Her eyes went blank. I didn't even notice her take a final breath. She was just gone. He pulled the needle out. It was over. My fat lil' angel had floated away. All I could do was put my arms around her and kiss her and cry.

The hard part was finally over. I picked up her limp lifeless body and held her. It felt so good to be able to hold her and not hurt her. They wanted to put her in a box for me so that I could take her to the crematorium. But I said no. I wanted to hold her.

My mom drove me to the crematorium. I was glad because it gave me a little while longer to hold her and kiss her and look at how beautiful she was. When we got there, I was suprised by how nice the lady was. And it was cool, because it looked like an animal funeral home. While we sat in the sitting area and discussed what we wanted done, I held her some more. The lady asked me if I wanted a lock of her hair. And of course I did...I hadn't even thought of that. So she cut some and put it in a little bag for me. I knew that I was going to have to hand her over soon, and the thought of letting go was painful. But eventually I did. I put her in the lady's arms and she did the sweetest thing. She gave Miss Puddy a hug and kiss and told her how beautiful she was. I knew she was in good hands.

It was so hard going home with her empty bed. And being home without her was aweful. I cried all day. I couldn't wait to get her home again.

Luckily, since we had brought her in early in the morning, they were able to cremate her that day. And around 9pm that night, they brought her home to me. Even though it's just a little container of ashes...it felt good to have her back. I plan on ordering an urn for her. I found one that is so awesome. It's a fat little cat with angel wings. My fat lil' angel. I'm also working on a memorial for her online. Once I get it done I will post the link to it.

I don't feel like writing anymore. There is more to tell...but this has been very draining to write.
Maybe later.

Here's the link to her memorial blog: www.fatlilangel.blogspot.com

This morning I decided to bring Miss Puddy outside. I decided that for her last day here...we might as well do something new and exciting. I'm glad that she still had the energy to explore the yard. She was fascinated by the grass and the birds and even the cars that passed by. I think she really enjoyed her little adventure.

This is Miss Puddy. Ain't she a sexy bitch? I'm gonna miss her. :(

Saying Goodbye!

It really sucks that my first post in a long time is gonna be a sad one. But here it is!

Miss Puddy is really sick. And tomorrow I am taking her to be put to sleep. After 11 years of friendship...tonight is my last night with her. After tomorrow, I will never again be able to look into her beautiful blue eyes. Never be able to run my finger through her beautiful fur. Never hear her meow for a piece of chicken. Never fuss at her for beating up the boys. Never be mad at her again for crapping on the floor. Never watch her sleep in her little bed with her head on her pillow. I'll never trip over her when getting out of the shower again. Never get to see her stretch out in the sun. Never laugh at the sassy way she crosses her paws when she lounges around. I'll never get to play with her tummy fat and make her mad.

And I'll never get to experience these things...because I'm gonna end her life. I've spend the whole day thinking about it. I've been in denial for months. But today I couldn't ignore it anymore. I came home to check on her at lunch time. And she was still laying on the bathroom rug where she was napping when i left this morning. She didn't even pick up her head to look at me. When I tried to pick her up she cried out in pain. It hurt her for me to hold her. I put her back down and her legs were so weak that she just rolled onto her side. That was when I knew what had to be done.

Sure they could give her another shot of steroids. That would make her feel better for a week or two. But then she would just get worse again. And as hard as it is...to put her to sleep...I think it would be even harder to wait. So I've decided not to treat her anymore, and just let her go. It kills me to see her this way. And I know that cats hide their pain...so if she is showing that she is in pain now....how long has she been hurting and not showing it?

Tonight I saw a look in her eyes that I recognized. It was that look of pain that I saw in my Granny's eyes right before she died. I will never forget that look. I can't imagine the level of pain that one must feel, to have that look in their eyes. I don't want her to hurt anymore.

Well, I'm gonna go hold my best friend for one last night. Tomorrow I plan on taking her to the vet to get one last shot to make her feel better. But this time she will feel better forever. I'm gonna hold her so that she knows how much I love her. And when she is gone, I will take her to be cremated. That is my plan. Looks good on paper. Lets just hope it goes that smoothly!